Having an Affair: The Truth About Dirty Little Secrets

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A few shorts about bad dates

What's the worst date you've ever been on? I asked a few of my friends about their worst dating experiences.

"I went on a date with a girl once-- it was a blind date. I pull up to the restaurant and there she was. She wasn't ugly at all, definitely worth dinner. So we're talking outside and I take out a cigarette. She looks at me, disgusted, and goes 'I hate cigarettes.' But I smoke it anyway. Then we go in for dinner and the conversation is horrible. We have absolutely nothing in common. It just was super awkward. After dinner, I figured she would just want to leave; but strangely, although we weren't at all compatible, she was really into me. So she kisses me, and I let her. I drive away in my car and about five minutes later I get a phone call from her. I ignored it."

-Melissa, 25, female, Philadelphia, Scientist

"I had been out with this guy multiple times before and this was the date to seal the deal. He's foreign and his accent was so endearing. After dinner we went back to his place, I was in my bra and panties-- ready for...you know. He took off his pants... he was wearing a thong. The date was over."

-Adrienne 24, female, Philadelphia, Writer

"There was this guy who I hung around, but I wasn't into him at all. He invited me to go to a diner, but the way he invited me was strange. I figured it was a group thing because we worked on campus together and the whole group of us went out a lot. When I got there... turns out it was just me. He tricked me into a date, and he wouldn't let me pay for my own meal. I didn't really talk to him anymore."

-Amy 23, female, New york, Activist

"I met this guy at a bar during Superbowl XLV. He was wearing a stupid hat and wasn't necessarily my type, but he was really funny and we had an amazing conversation. He asked for my number, and after texting back and forth, we decided to meet each other at a restaurant/bar. He definitely had been drinking before hand, and the conversation was so awkward and felt forced. He was still wearing that stupid hat. I eventually ask him to take it off, and when he did I automatically thought of Uncle Fester from The Adamm's Family. But I still felt like he deserved another chance. During our extremely awkward date, he texts me and says 'sorry I'm not being myself, I was told to be on my best behavior tonight.' So I text back 'that's stupid, just be yourself.' Next thing I know, his uncle texts him a video of some woman giving a blowjob and getting a huge facial... and he shows me this. Needless to say, we don't talk anymore."

-Amber 24, female, New Jersey, Copywriter

"I went on a date with a guy I met online. During our date he told me he found no use in animals. He didn't care if they lived or died or if people tortured them. Then he went on to say how much he loves gaming like there was nothing to it... I'm a vegan and in PETA."

-Josh 21, male, New Jersey, Student

"There was this girl I wasn't overly into, but I went out with her because I figured 'why not.' So we're at dinner and she just keeps talking about grammar and things I don't really find interesting. Finally, she stops talking, and I'm thinking 'awesome.' Then I realized I had my eyes closed. I had fallen asleep during our date-- and she noticed."

-Tom 26, male, New Jersey, Advertising

"I met a girl online. Her profile pics were hot so I suggested we meet for drinks. The girl that I met at the restaurant was NOT the girl from the pictures. 'nuff said."

-Tyler 27, male, Texas, Student

Want to know how to zestify your dating life? Here are 6 simple tips that'll make your potential go "Ooooh"

Dating Tip 1: While going to a restaurant may be "traditional," you might want to start your date out by doing something less formal and more active. For example, going for a walk on a public boardwalk, going to a museum to see that awesome new exhibit or even wall climbing (for the more active dater) is a great way to break the ice and avoid the awkward first date blues. But please, if you don't know your date, don't go hiking in a secluded rape trail wooded area. That's just silly.

Dating Tip 2: Feeling less than confident? Before your date, it's always a good idea to do a light exercise. Breaking a sweat before you meet a potential partner will make you feel worlds better about yourself and that confidence shines through to others. But please, after you exercise remember to shower. Less than fresh is never sexy.

Dating TIp 3: Internet dating is still a fairly new frontier and as such-- it's very tricky. I'm not saying it doesn't work, it definitely does, but don't solely rely on the internet to find the love of your life. Make friends where ever you go.

Dating Tip 4: If you find yourself on a bad date, always be courteous whether you like them or not. What if your extra spicy waiter thinks you're gorgeous, but sees you treating your date like a tool? Or the rich and single bachelor/bachelorette at the next table sees you act like less than a lady/gentleman? You never know who's watching, and more so-- if everyone loves you, why wouldn't that RIGHT special someone?

Dating Tip 5: Do not have sex on the first date. It's wrong. It's bad. No matter how attractive your date is, how charming, how hot and heavy it might get DO NOT HAVE SEX ON THE FIRST DATE. How to avoid this for those who are compulsive sexers? First, do not have at home dates. Don't invite them over-- that's a sex invite. You might think it's cute to invite someone over and cook for them, but that just means it's okay to ask for dessert... meaning your ass. Secondly, watch what you wear. Sure, wearing that shirt that shows off your boobs or that skirt that accentuates your ass might get you a lot of club attention, but unless you're a complete slut, you want your date to like your body equally as your soul. Lastly, no sex talk. Sure, one or two inappropriate jokes might make you laugh, but be careful not to inspire too much of a boner sexual interest on the first date.

Dating Tip 6: Romantic comedies/ Romantic themed movies lie to us. There is no such thing as a wonderful person who is totally simple and doesn't have baggage. In fact, we're all pretty screwed up. Now I'm not saying be completely forgiving, but always remember that everyone you meet has a varied degree of Liz Lemon's dealbreaker. Too high of expectations will never be met, control freaks. So make a mental list of pros and cons and never forget... you have baggage too.

Thanks guys,

-D.S.

Guerilla Warfare Caveman Pig

I've spent a lot of time googling reasons why guys like to be ignored, and I know what you're thinking-- it's the chase. Before the era of modern man, flowers and chocolate, the stone aged dude would go about dating in this fashion:

Guy clubs the most resistant chick over their Paleolithicly-thick cranium, impregnates them, slaps on a cooking smock, sends them to the kitchen with a furry baby, and drinks delicious homemade ale while hunting, hairy and naked, with their homo erectus buddies. He had tamed his prey-- and she (or the non-alpha-he, depending on the validation of gay relationships in the Paleolithic era) had been pissed on as his property. Overtime, though, the Greeks made Urophilia a fetish, evolution made skulls a bit less blunt object resistant, and those pesky human rights people said domestic violence was oh-so-wrong.

And thus begins the modern world of guerilla warfare dating.

Cavemen aside, I believe Guerilla Warfare Dating is the modern "love-club": If you want someone bad enough, you have to be completely unattainable. You have to ignore, ignore, ignore, and the second you show any kind of neediness vulnerability-- you'd better pack it up, get some cats, and call it quits, because you've just raised your giant white panties flag.

My friend Connie is a blond, five-foot-two-twenty-something hottie, New York activist, and general do-gooder. She met this guy, Rex, through a mutual friend and quickly there were fireworks. Tall, dark and successful, Rex seemed to be perfect and he definitely had eyes for her. But, after months of not knowing where their relationship stood, Connie decided it was time for her to put on her "honesty bra" and tell him how she felt. And three weeks later, Connie still hadn't heard back from him. It wasn't until her mutual friend invited her to an event where Rex would inevitably attend, that the caveman, himself, saw what he was missing. Connie used her "booby traps." "Booby traps" meaning, she was hot, loved by the crowd, and... completely but not impolitely ignored him.

"Man, I really screwed up," Rex told the mutual friend.

Another friend, Alex, is a gorgeous latina who works in a professional setting. While other girls gushed over a particular swivel chaired hottie, Alex just did her job (A tactic I call/ is called in Guerilla warfare Maquis.) In her head (or from high ground), Alex noticed he was attractive, but never really gave him any reason to think she would be laying across his desk anytime soon. That's right, she kept her forest thick (no pun intended,) used the higher ground, and her swivel chaired hunk of man didn't know what hit him. A month later she was ignoring his phone calls, texts and putting her instant messager on invisible, because he had gotten a taste of something he had definitely liked. Too bad the feeling wasn't exactly mutual.

And then there's my last Guerilla warfare tactic, and probably the most important: Cu Chi tunneling, or what I would like to call "Sec Si tunneling." My friend Jessica, another hot blond, always had a thing for our friend Colin. Colin is a kind and sensitive artistic personality, so coming at him using any other tactic might scare him away. So their relationship was based on... friendship-- the simplest and most powerful tool there is in the dating world. She "dug a tunnel" to his heart so to speak. Unsuspecting Colin wouldn't make the first move, although he was interested in Jessica, and Jessica kept it light and slightly flirtatious. Next thing Colin knew he was skipping work to hang out, acting ridiculously to impress her and making out with her on a couch.

These partial success stories might show feminine sexual empowerment, but they're hardly the norm. Believe me, I've talked to so many girls, gay men, gayish straight men, and lesbians who just seem to be clueless. Those same people often say things like "Why do we have to play games? That's so immature!" The sad truth is, these games are what make the world go round. Your parents successfully (and unsuccessfully) played these games, their parents played the same games as well. It's a vicious cycle, but we have to do it. Sadly, I'm no exception to the "why?!" crowd. There have been too many times where I've sat by my phone sending one too many texts, e-mails, Instant messages and phone calls to that certain person that I wish would claim my heart... and that's where the problem is. You can't want someone to claim your heart. It doesn't happen like that... at all.

Bottom line: We're still the same kind of animal as we were in our monkey days. So, give the hunter in every guy something to work for. No one likes free meat. It's usually spoiled.

-DS